You're so nebulous sometimes
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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