If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
