my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
