Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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