my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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