The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
