Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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