They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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