i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize