Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
