He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
