I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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