Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
