sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
