Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We left an ass print on the piano.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
