but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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