so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
