the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
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Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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