What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
