i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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