I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
