So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
