So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
