i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
