I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
