You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
