The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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