just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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