I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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