Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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