I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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