I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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