At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
