I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
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You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We need to get me chipped asap
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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