if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
