Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
