i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
