i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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