I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
