Don't make out with my wife yet
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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