Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
