My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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