I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
