He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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