some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
