just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
