can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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