My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
