i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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