he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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