My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
