We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
