So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Tornado booty call.. dedication
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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