he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
