Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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