he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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