I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
