so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
